I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
