i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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