I have demons in me.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
