The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
