I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sext me about skeletons
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
