I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize