Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
