the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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