Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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