dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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