I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
