I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
