I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize