I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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