I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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