Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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