Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
