I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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