I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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