He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
