I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
