What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
