I accidentally had phone sex last night
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
