Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
