Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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