I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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