Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We are two peas in an std pod
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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