I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize