Your face is a jimmy john
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
