If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
