The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
