fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
