Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm too high and old for this...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
