My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
