I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He? As in you personified your dick?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
