i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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