oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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