Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
