Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
