Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
