we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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