Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize