About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
