I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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