I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
