I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
