Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
