its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
