Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
