In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
