I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
