And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
