After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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