i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
