Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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