Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
