Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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