Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
