I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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