Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
